I love my children. I love my wife. But then again, I also love hot dogs and a good steak. I love to go to the movies, and I love to read fiction when it’s raining. When you stop and think about it, it’s pretty astounding the number of contexts and amount of times we use the word “love.” Think about it yourself – how many times have you said that 4-letter word today alone?

I’m not arguing that we need to discontinue using the word. I am arguing, however, that the context in which we use it might show us what we really believe love is. And to go further, it’s likely, given our prolific use of the word, that we might have at best a misunderstanding and at worst a dilution of what “love” actually means.

By way of example, think again about the different ways we use that word. Now ask yourself: “What have I said that I ‘loved’ in the past, but wouldn’t do so now?” I once would have said that I love the Los Angeles Dodgers, but no more! And that’s just a surface-level example. There are others – some much more painful. And the fact that there are so many of these examples ought to tell us, among other things, that the reason we have for using the word “love” are, at best, unsustainable. Here, then, are three unsustainable reasons why we typically love others:

1. Because we are supposed to.

It’s true, we are supposed to. Indeed, love is the thing by which Christians should be known:

“By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35).

And that’s just one example. You can turn to many, many others in Scripture commanding us to love our neighbors, to love our enemies, to love our families, and to love those who persecute us. But you can’t just grit your teeth and force yourself to love others. You can will yourself to serve, to be polite, and to make small talk – but genuinely love? No, this is not purely an act of the will. It is unsustainable to think that we can love others because we are supposed to.

2. Because they are lovable.

You can probably remember the early days of a relationship in which the person you’re starting to date can do no wrong. You never get tired of one another and nothing that person does ever gets on your nerves. You find them endlessly fascinating and wonderful in every aspect. And yet this, too, is an unsustainable reason to love someone else.

Because eventually every relationship will have conflict. Eventually, if you get close enough to someone, you will find their quirks, their insecurities, and their little habits that are bound to get on your nerves. That initial fascination might last for a while – even a long while – but eventually, it too will fizzle.

3. Because of how they make us feel.

Though not expressed, this is in truth one of the main reasons we claim to love other people – it’s because we like how they make us feel. When we are with that person, we feel important, or popular, or attractive, or valued, and that is a wonderful thing… but it, too, is fading. That’s because this kind of love is really transactional – we have subconsciously made an agreement that we will love that person as long as they hold up their end of a bargain they didn’t even know they have made with us.

To make us feel better about ourselves.

No, if we want to love others it can’t ultimately be because we are supposed to or because they are lovable or because of the way they make us feel. The real motivation for love comes from something much deeper than that. We love others because we are absolutely convinced that we have been fully and completely loved by Jesus:

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God (Eph. 5:1-2).

The good news, then, if you are struggling to love someone else is that the source of your love is not that person’s lovability; neither is it your personal resolve to do it. The source of your love for another is in the validated love of God in Christ. And unlike our feelings, this never changes.