How I Became a Pirate

My descent into piracy began on Sunday with a simple playtime outside with my wonderful children. Between bikes, toy cars, and baseballs, we noticed that our side yard had visitors:


There were mounds of dirt everywhere. Fortunately, this wasn’t our first bout with moles. In fact, I had some mole pellets (poison) in the garage. In case you’re not familiar with the “getting rid of moles” procedure, here’s what you do.

1. Approach the mole dome.

2. Test to see if it connects to an active tunnel. Do so by poking a stick into the top of the dome. If you find a tunnel, it’s active.

3. Put in several pellets.

4. Sit back and wait for the mole carnage.

So there we were, “feeding” the moles together, each of us with a stick poking it into the tops of these mounds. As I bent down to test the dome Andi had found, her stick flopped up out of the dirt and caught me straight in the right eye. And I ain’t gonna lie – it hurt like heck. I went down to all fours.

“Nobody move! Joshua, don’t let Andi go in the street.”

After I regained my composure and got up off the ground, we went inside. And my vision has been cloudy ever since. The doctor says I have a half inch abrasion on the cornea. Translation? Eye scratch. Eye scratch that hurts like a thousand bees stinging my retina.

Treatment? Suck it up and wait for it to heal.

Also, eye patch.

So all I can say is, “Arrrrr…. me hardies…where’s me gold?”

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